It's all so confusing, so many compulsive, disturbed, yet well-dressed nut jobs, it is difficult to keep track of which candidate has jumped off which deep end, and how their various lunacies compare and contrast. So, as a public service, I have done extensive research on these undermedicated persons and am prepared to share my findings with those interested in learning something about these contenders, each of whom believes that they would be a better choice to lead the nation than President Obama, and one of whom may get a chance to try, a scarier prospect than any space alien scenario yet proposed.
Consider Mitt Romney. He stands out from most of his fellow zealots by not being quite Christian enough. (Try to imagine hearing a knock on your door some quiet afternoon and opening it to find the governor of Massachusetts standing there, perfect teeth flashing in the warm sun, telling you something about your immortal soul) He could be a pretty good candidate, since he didn't disgrace himself too badly as governor, and in fact launched a wildly popular health insurance program there that covered all residents and cut the price of insurance by nearly a half. So why has he spent the greater part of 2011 apologizing for it? He did and said other things that were moderate, nearly liberal, and at least reasonable, but that was back when he was young and foolish. But he has mended his ways and has fully embraced the Republican doctrine of Devil Take the Hindermost.
Jon Huntsman, the Other Mormon, is the only candidate so far who has referred to Mitt Romney as “a perfectly lubricated weather vane.” Apart from his linguistic skills, he closely follows the party line with regards to reducing the national debt by cutting taxes, and mitigating global warming, which he actually accepts as a reality, by doing nothing. He has expressed his appreciation of the overpopulation problem by fathering seven children.
Herman Cain, now, there's an entrepreneur of a different stripe. Former CEO of some midwestern pizza joints, and a talk show host in Atlanta, this proud American effectively torpedoed any health care reform during the Clinton administration. He further demonstrated his statesmanlike demeanor by trying to link the democrats to David Duke, because both opposed the Iraq invasion. Both of these projects are doubly impressive considering that Mr Cain seems incapable of making a simple declarative statement about anything. Rush Limbaugh has publicly announced that the recent sexual harassment fuss is all an invention of the democrats to make Mr. Cain look bad. Not clear that he needs help with this. Apparently he opposes abortion, but who knows?
Hard to know where to start with Michele Bachmann. Perhaps her greatest liability is that, unlike some of her colleagues, she makes clear statements with a clear meaning such as, “Gay marriage is probably the biggest issue that will impact our … nation in the last, at least, thirty years.” Not traffic deaths, not endless wars, not medical crises, or illegal immigration, or global warming, or gun control, or financial malfeasance, or drugs or drought or flood. On the up side she has a sure cure for unemployment. She must have very clever advisors. Her solution is to eliminate the minimum wage so that all those poor hard-pressed billionaires can afford to hire at, say $5 an hour, $2 an hour, 50¢, whatever works.
Newt Gingrich lacks the flash and theater of the revival tent preacher that so many of the others use to such good effect, but that is not to suggest that he is a reasonable grown-up. He is merely the archetypal politician with all the sleaze and chicanery, the mistresses and god-knows-what under the table, but in the end he is just as keen as any of the others to snoop, eavesdrop, invade, torture, protect the obscenely rich and execute the luckless, innocent poor, to strip women and gays of as many rights as possible, because, after all, he is a good Christian too. More than most, since he started off a baptist and has since embraced the Catholic Church, perhaps out of a feeling of kinship for all those priests, you know the ones.
Ron Paul may be the closest the Republicans have to a Thoughtful Candidate. Unfortunately, if there is anything the republicans can't stand it's a Thoughtful Candidate, so we probably won't see much more of him, in spite of his having assured the world at large that he is a born-again Christian with a deep and abiding faith. Not good enough for a heretic who opposed the Iraq war, is lukewarm on gay rights, and does not applaud the assassination of foreign persons in foreign countries whom we do not like.
The Uber-Zealot, Rick Santorum is a Catholic lawyer and former Senator from Pennsylvania, breeding ground of so many colorful political creatures, who believes that Christianity is grievously threatened by muslims, jews, hindus, communists, Iranians, democrats, homosexuals, evolutionists, illegal immigrants, and the National Weather Service. But he loves puppies and wants to save them.
Then there's That Other Texas Governor, Rick Perry, friend of the Tea Party, whatever they may be, and proponent of the secession of the Great State of Texas, and who could object to that? He strongly opposes abortion, of course, but equally strongly supports the death penalty, apparently oblivious of any conflict between these two positions. His approach to dealing with the poor is to suggest that they move to California. He did not extrapolate this policy to cover his proposed dealings with America's poor should he become president. It is not clear that Canada would want them. He would no doubt pray on it and send them wherever The Voices told him to send them. His greatest asset is his willingness to repay significant campaign contributors with useful government positions.
Chris Christie says he's not interested in running, but he is the clear first choice of billionaires everywhere for his brilliant theory, shared with Jon Huntsman, that we can reduce the deficit by cutting taxes, but unlike Huntsman, he is a nice safe Catholic. Since billionaires almost always get what they want, and are in a position to provide Mr. Christie with inducements of all types, we may yet see him heaving his ample bulk up on the nation's podiums. And who's to say a magician isn't just what the nation needs?
And finally there is the ever-perky Ms. Palin, another who has denied any interest in shooting for the moon. She has not yet clearly explained why she was tearing around the country in a bus, but then she hasn't clearly explained anything else either; however she is not campaigning, nope. Her followers still think she's a dream come true and they drag their knuckles up to her bus and vocalize excitedly to show this. For those who think it matters which flavor of religious extremity their candidate subscribes to, well, Ms. Palin is whatever you want her to be. It would be a mistake to eliminate her from the Republican possibles list.
So to recap, come the actual campaign, Obama against some Republican, the potential opponents boil down to the past or current governor of Massachusetts, New Jersey, Texas, Utah, or Alaska. Or you can choose from Catholic, Baptist, Evangelical, Mormon, or Sarah Palin. They all believe in the sanctity of the conventional marriage, the military budget, and the obscenely rich. They loudly believe in freedom of religion, provided it is their own, and want the government out of our lives except for the parts that give us other people's money.
This post did not receive funding or encouragement from Re-elect Obama or any other Democratic PAC.
No comments:
Post a Comment