The Family as Granfalloon

One of the myriad religious movements in modern times that has received lamentably little attention is Bokononism, introduced by Kurt Vonnegut and closely studied by large numbers of undergraduates during the sixties.  Among other useful ideas embodied in this belief system is the notion of the karass, which is a group of people that may seem unrelated, and who may even be unknown to one another, but whose purpose is to work together toward some worthwhile end. A related entity is the granfalloon which is a group of people who imagine that they have a connection, but they don’t.  For example, Dodgers fans, graduates of University of Kentucky, or residents of Montana, all are granfalloons.  I would argue that families are another.
The idea that a few shared genes should bond people inextricably together, should compel obedience and assure allegiance smacks more of some stone age tribal custom than a biological imperative, or “blood is thicker than water,” which is the costume it wears in modern times.  This is one of the more crippling myths of society, that there is some intrinsic power or value in family.  The truth is that families are no more sacred or cohesive than any other random group of people.  If you chose random groups of, say, 12 people from some cosmic phone book and locked each group in a room together to get acquainted and learn to love one another you would get the same result as with today’s family units.  
There are 4 basic configurations that will appear in either family units or random assemblages of unrelated people.
The Type I family or group, the lucky group, contains members that actually like each other, they sing songs and encourage and support the younger members.  They smile and tolerate one anothers’ snoring, annoying laughs, and weight problems.  They have frequent happy reunions: birthdays, holidays, barbecues. They offer comfort and support in difficult times, and joyful congratulations in happy ones. These people are strongly bonded together, will defend their group and all its members from all comers, and live out their happy lives in close proximity. There are a very small number of Type I families or random groups.  
There is a considerably larger number of Type II groups in which members tolerate each other but without enthusiasm. Most members of these groups get along reasonably well with at least one other member of their group.  They will get together once or twice a year to drink too much, talk to the others they liked, act in a civil manner to those they don’t, and go back to their lives with no great need ever to do this again.  Their allegiances with chosen outsiders are just as strong as those of their group.
Then there is the Type III group, another large but mismatched group in which most or all of the members dislike all the other members of it.  There will probably be at least one member of this group who will reliably stamp out any signs of joy that might unexpectedly emerge, or would keep any hostilities alive and festering, or both. Any member of this group that can, will leave the nest at their earliest convenience, and gratefully stay away.  No birthday celebrations for this group.  No tearful reunion at the funeral of the beloved old auntie, because there won’t be one.  Their allegiances are almost entirely external to the group.
And finally there is the unenviable Type IV group, mercifully scant in number, in which all members hate the very guts of everybody else in the group.  This would be a hodge-podge collection of miserable, depressed, down-trodden victims and the narcissists, bullies, power freaks, or psychopaths that made them.  Mysterious deaths, housefires, and hospitalizations would be epidemic in this group.  They would probably feel no great loyalty to anybody.
Of course, all the refugees from the last three groupings are hoping, at some level to set up a Type I family – who wouldn’t want a sunny gathering of happy adults and well-balanced children? Unfortunately, because of the myth of the importance of family, a potential Type I can be poisoned at the outset by the toxic players of the dysfunction left behind, the nasty hypercritical grandmother, the drunken uncle, the kleptomaniacal cousin.  
But it can be done. There are documented instances of families whose members actually like each other.  Perhaps you have seen one.  There are several ways to get one:
1)  If you are lucky enough to have grown up in such a family, be sure to choose a mate who also comes from such a fortunate environment.
2)  It you are not so fortunate, find a compatible mate and move a long, long way away. Under no circumstances allow yourself to move back.
3)  Tell all your new friends you are an only child, recently orphaned.  Get a post office box and do not tell any of your relatives or acquaintances from back home where you live, as there is always some busybody who feels sorry for grandma and will spill the beans.
4)  Send a notice to your hometown newspaper announcing your tragic death in an airplane crash, shark attack, some military conflict, or a massive explosion. Anything that would discourage anybody from trying to collect your remains. Then marry into a group one family.
5)  Find a way to get into the witness protection program, with or without a companion. You are starting a new life. Don’t blow it.