So far this winter has been a depressing disappointment. No snow worth mentioning, not warm enough to mitigate the fuel bills, no ice fishing, too much mud, and the television line-up is a desert wasteland. But happily, in the midst of this dreary diorama, the spotlight flashes on to reveal … a dancing troup of Republicans with whistles and drums and merry tunes.
Praise the Lord and pass the wine!
It was sad indeed when Michele and Herman and Jon and Rick stepped out of the ring. These talented entertainers had so much more to give us. The portly Mr. Christie never did live up to expectations, and where was Sarah? I fear that the Republican National Committee sent a delegation up to Wasilla to lock her in her basement for the duration. But never mind; we still have the Other Rick, Ron, Newt and of course Mitt.
Who could fail to enjoy the lively pranks of these able performers presented for the delectation of the nation, along with the high-spirited support of bystanders, raising questions about such important national concerns as What's the deal with secret Mormon underwear? This has become such a frequently recurring theme that I finally looked it up, thinking How much information can there be on Mormon underwear? As it happens, there is a great deal: many websites, several Youtube videos, and, no doubt, many books. Since my curiosity was generously satisfied by these other sources, I left Amazon unmolested.
It turns out Mormon underwear looks a lot like bathing suits fashionable in 1900. It covers the wearer from neck to knee, and is decorated with cabalistic symbols that presumably protect the wearer from sinners and werewolves and such. The gents' model has a strange looking sort of codpiece which in some way allows the gent to urinate I imagine. The ladies' model has emblems on each nipple for some secret purpose.
All things being equal, I generally have no interest in what other people's undergarments or superstitions might be, but since I saw this bizarre, secret get-up with its hex signs and rules and symbols, I can't stop myself from mentally peeling Mr. Romney, while he is unctuously explaining why he deserves to be grotesquely overpaid and undertaxed, right down to his sacred neck-to-knees codpiece, while the Angel Moroni and his Associate Angels Estupido and Saltimbanquo hover piously nearby.
Which is not to say that this is a one-ring circus. Ably enlivening the second ring is the redoubtable Newt and his lovely third wife Callista. Who can doubt the sincerity of Mr. Gingrich's recent conversion to Catholicism, having rejected the false doctrines of the Lutherans and Baptists, or the sincerity of his outrage at the unseemly mention of his second wife's spiteful slanders about his polite request that she give him carte blanche to pursue and copulate with whatever interns, supplicants, or other chippies he might lure into his stationery cupboard up on the Hill.
Then over here in the third ring is the Other Rick whose surname evokes sanctimony, sanction, sanatorium, and santería, a devout sect that encourages trances and the disembowelment of chickens, not to mention the the new meaning suggested by imaginative members of the gay community of whom Our Rick vigorous disapproves.
Not so conspicuous or flamboyant as his opponents, he nonetheless stands firm in his belief that schools should teach only science as it was understood 2000 years ago by illiterate fishermen. Also that religious toleration should be extended to all Christians, and that torture is a valid tool in the hands of Law Enforcement, presumably because it saves time and consequently money, especially when the accused has been provided with a detailed account of his crimes beforehand.
Finally, there in the back of the tent, is Ron, the only remaining Baptist, unless you count Newt. The fact that he is a medical doctor is reasonably strong evidence that he is or was intelligent. Sadly, he also manifests the characteristic shared with many of his colleagues that he is, if not God himself, then at least close enough to make life and death decisions for us lesser beings. Even God himself doesn't insist that life begins at conception. But don't let all this give you the idea that he has a high regard for human life. After all, he was one of those proud patriots who approved of the military sneaking into a foreign country and assassinating an old man watching television in the bosom of his family. His long-term plan for national security is to bring home all those troops who have been mowing down goatherds and rice farmers for so many years and instead send out roving hit squads to murder people identified by somebody as terrorists.
So there are the choices. Faites vos jeux. And may God have mercy on our souls.
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