Tuesday, August 30, 2011

How to End a Conversation

Back in the golden era of travel, back before lateral movement on the planet became a nightmare of lost luggage, missed connections, and creepy security goons, I had the great good fortune to take a train from British Columbia to Montreal. This was a respectably long trip involving several days of sitting, interspersed by trips to the dining car, where you sat anywhere there was space and had a pleasant meal on nice plates with strangers who were on no hurry, as well as to the bar car, which opened early in the day.

It was at this civilized convenience where I found myself seated one afternoon next to an old fellow with an amiable face and a weakly bubbling drink. We exchanged the obligatory where-are-you-going-where-have-you-come-from remarks and then quickly discovered that we had nothing else to say of any remote interest to one another.

Just when I spotted somebody coming into the place whom I had enjoyed talking to the previous day he declared “I have 14 grandchildren.” I smiled vaguely. “Six of them live in Halifax.” He reached for his wallet. My heart sank. Visions sprang to mind of blurry snapshots of sticky moppets or family photos where one cousin was indistinguishable from the next. Imagine my surprise when at last he found what he was looking for and showed it to me with some pride. It was a page ripped out of a small notebook with a list of names on it. He gave this to me and while I was looking at it he explained where each one lived. “See, Tom and Mary and Patrick, they're my daughter Eleanor's children. They live in Halifax. And here, Hugh and Sally...” and so we made our slow way down the list.

Finally I managed to give back his list and was formulating an exit strategy when he started in on a detailed biography of each one, their favorite sports, their school projects, their piano lessons and funny sayings, their summer camps and Christmas pageants, their ailments and triumphs and food preferences. I was frantic to get away, but couldn't think of a credible excuse: phone call? Don't think so. Someone at the door? Nope. Late for an appointment? Nope. Finally I really did have to go to the bathroom so I broke in on the biography of the hockey buff from Manitoba, excused myself and fled.

Since then I have made a study of breakaway lines and techniques. As a public service I offer up my findings here so that others may be spared:

  1. Cough a lot. Then say the doctor said it’s probably not contagious.

  2. Break in with a desperate expression and ask where the nearest toilet might be.

  3. Stare fixedly at a point just above the person’s left ear. Back away slowly.

  4. Start stroking their upper arm while moving your face closer to theirs in rapt attention.

  5. Ask, “Do you like spiders?” while reaching for your purse.

  6. Look over their shoulder towards, say, a door, and shout “Oh, my God! They’ve found me!” Then dash off in the other direction.

  7. Pick your nose thoughtfully.

  8. Laugh at inappropriate times.

  9. Whenever possible, return the conversation to the subject of your aunt’s skin problems.

  10. Pull out a comb choked with cat fur and start to rearrange their hair.

  11. Reach inside your clothes and scratch, murmuring, “Pesky critters!”

  12. If you have not said anything yet, at your first opportunity say something in a foreign language. Make one up, if necessary.

  13. Pull out your wallet containing at least 20 photos of your pets. Starting with the first, describe all its habits and illnesses in minute detail.

  14. Ask how much money they make. If they should, inexplicably, tell you, then ask about their husband’s/wife’s income. Then move on to their children, uncles, and so forth.

  15. Smile vaguely, point to a window and make a long statement in a foreign language. Russian is good.

  16. Look deep into their eyes, lean forward and solemnly ask "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your savior?"

  17. Belch long and loud. Do not smile.

  18. Gaze searchingly, longingly at your oppressor for a count of ten. Then say "You are so beautiful - may I give you a tattoo?"

  19. Launch into an extremely detailed account of something like a bit of computer code or anything else that interests you. Explain everything. Don't stop for breath.

Using these suggestions as a starting point, develop other deterrent methods suitable to the circumstances. Be careful not to use a method that might attract the interest of your assa ilant. Do not, for example, use #16 with somebody with a stack of Watchtowers under their arm, or #18 with a Hell's Angel.

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