Privacy

We start life wet, noisy, and completely free of any claim or expectation of privacy. No part of our bodies or lives is excluded from invasion by friends and strangers alike, and at first we don't much mind. It's not long, however, before we object to being groped by strangers and are more selective about who gets to see us with our pants down. Before long, perhaps about the time we first learn the potential of speech, we start having secrets. It is not a big step between secrets and privacy, the only difference being one of degree. A secret is just a single thing you don't want to reveal. Privacy is a great tangled complex of secrets that are of great importance to their owner. In fact it could be argued that those things we choose to keep private more accurately reflect our character than those we choose to reveal.

We each of us develop our own private kingdoms in a series of concentric barriers around parts of us that we do not want scrutinized. The outermost barriers are easily crossed by friends and spouses and even trusted acquaintances, allowing access to non-critical areas that we might not want published in the daily paper, but no great harm done if the postman discovers, say, that we vacuum less than we should. The closer to the core we get, the more closely guarded we become, and in many cases the protected areas depend on who we are talking to.

We would have little hesitation discussing our stock portfolios and the appraised value of Grandma’s diamond brooch with the family lawyer, but we might not want to enlarge upon such topics with our daughter’s boyfriend with the nose ring.

We freely describe our rashes and boils and disgusting discharges with the family physician, but might hold back in this area with the telephone repairman.

We may luridly detail the latest developments of our torrid dalliances to our best friend, but wish to maintain a discreet silence with the vicar.

In addition to these specific revelations that we control on a person to person basis we are constantly patrolling our perimeters to protect ourselves from unauthorized invasion by strangers. Common courtesy is our main fence. In a uniform society in which all members understand the signals, saying “Butt out!” with a look, a tone of voice, a bland comment inoffensive to all is a common practice. We back off, change course, no one is offended or invaded. Apart from a few people who want to offend us or don't care if they do, the system works quite well.

Where the problem arises is when we are confronted by somebody who is using another set of rules. Either they do not understand our signals, or they actively seek to breach our defenses for some purpose. We often react strongly to these attempted invasions. First we try formality. Next comes frigid silence. And finally, when all else fails, we fall back on rudeness. In some cases, such as persistent telephone solicitors, rudeness is the only defense possible. In others, such as foreigners using different signals, we would like to be kind, but we feel under attack, and may overreact to perceived aggression.

One of the worst mistakes we make in our relationships with others is believing that people we are close to should have no secrets from us, that we should be open books to our parents and spouses and friends. Or in other words we should not mind a bit upon finding Mom going through our drawers and throwing stuff out or demanding an explanation for THIS! The fact that we have been out on our own for several decades and have the white hair to prove it, have been leading independent lives and are doing fine doesn't neutralize the trespass, or detoxify the resentment. We need some space that is ours alone or we risk losing ourselves.

In addition, our own notion of what areas must be maintained inviolable may differ greatly from that of others. Is religious belief an acceptable area to open to the public? Or money? Or our psychotic relatives? In some cases yes, in others no.

So much of our behavior is governed by our need to maintain our privacy, it is small wonder that so much heat is generated over political movements whose aim is to invade areas cherished by some as intensely private; by others as matters to be dragged into public view in front of a studio audience.

If media reports are to be believed, upcoming generations will entertain no expectations of privacy. They will accept as normal the impertinent questions put by online merchants and special interest websites and will obediently supply their preferences in reading, viewing and listening, clothing, medications, sports teams, and holiday destinations. They will cheerfully welcome, rather than resentfully tolerate, the inescapable intrusion of advertising in all aspects of their lives. They will not mind that Apple Inc., the FBI, or Big Brother listens to their phone calls or traces their movements. Perhaps it is the vanguard of this new demographic that appears on Dr. Phil.

In any case it seems ironic that a people that has always prided itself on its rock-ribbed individualism would so easily abandon this myth in favor of bobble-head compliance with the demands of private industry and shadowy government interests.