Every time I hear some solemn commentator proclaim that 57% of Americans prefer apple juice to green tea, say, or would prefer to take a bus to work rather than travel by horse-back or whatever other choices could conceivably appear in our daily lives, I hark back to those terrible days before I ponied up $5.95 per month for caller ID. Back in that time of dashed hopes and indignation when the phone rang, I would drop whatever I was doing and dash for the nearest phone, hoping that the next voice I heard might be somebody I might actually want to talk to. Occasionally my prayers were answered. But way too many were telemarketers of one sort or another with a liberal sprinkling of people wanting to explore my preferences in men's clothing, confectionery, travel destinations and other goods and services on which I have a very weak and changeable opinion or no views at all. By the time I had disengaged from these interruptions, I had completely lost my train of thought on whatever I had been doing and as a consequence had no choice but to shout at the cats or split wood.
One memorable poll concerned M&Ms. I had come tearing up from the basement to answer this call, so when the annoying young thing asked if I could spare a couple of minutes I agreed since I was all sweaty and out of breath anyway. Then she explained in breathtaking detail that the M&M Corporation manufactured M&Ms with which I was no doubt familiar, and that up until now the colors of these things were yellow and orange and red and brown, but now they wanted to modernize and upgrade their image by adding new colors. Now that she had talked herself out and I had caught my breath and was ready to hang up she got down to the nut of the problem.
“How often do you enjoy M&Ms?” she asked. “Every day? Once a week? Once a month? 4 times a year? Never?”
“I dunno,” I replied, “every now and then I guess.”
“Would that be Every day? Once a week? Once a month? 4 times a year?” She was not to be put off. I cast my mind back over my M&M-eating history and calculated that the last time I ate M&Ms was last Halloween, so I guessed “Twice a year.”
“What color would you like to see in your next bag of M&Ms, Blue? Purple? Green? Or Beige?”
“I like the colors the way they are.”
“But if there were another color, which would you like best – Blue? Purple? Green? Or Beige?”
“I don't care. Anything would be fine.”
“But which would you like best - Blue? Purple? Green? Or Beige?”
“Blue!” I told her, since that was the first on her list, and it just popped into my mind.
Then we moved on to my second favorite color, after which we changed our focus to what brands of jeans I had heard of and then some other matter every bit as trivial as these.
By the time I finally was allowed to hang up, I had taken a begrudging interest in the proceedings. I was amazed that somebody out there was prepared to pay no doubt big money to find out if I had ever heard of Dockers, and what color Halloween candies I might like. And I was imagining some grotesquely overpaid flunky giving his M&Ms presentation up in the executive suite and concluding with “And we polled more than a thousand people and found that 73% prefer blue M&Ms, and so, gentlemen, we suggest that you retool the Atlanta plant to include blue M&Ms, a million dollar investment well worth the expense.” Based on the choices of people just like me, who were trapped into committing to something they couldn't care less about, at a time when the chops were just beginning to smoke or the resident toddler was just about to get the lid off the Drano.
Then of course there are the polls that come in the mail. They are mostly political in nature and on the last page you are encouraged to contribute $20, $25, $35, $55, or Other to the organization asking the attached vague unanswerable questions. The multiple choice questions run to such deep and thoughtful matters as Do you think that the United States Congress is composed primarily of self-serving idiots? Answer: Yes, No, Other.
And of course the ever-popular issues-based questions such as Do you think it is wise to squander another trillion dollars we will have to borrow from China to invade yet another distant oil-bearing nation nobody can spell? Or Do you want to see an army of godless bloodthirsty heathens sweep across Our Great Nation, raping our daughters and peeing in our flower beds? Both of these questions are gathering numbers for the same thing, of course, but now one side will declare that a clear 80% majority is against it while the other side will present its 80% in favor statistics. Then they will glare at one another, a vote will be taken and whichever side can promise the largest profits for some large industry will win.
So next time you hear some congress person or political commentator saying that 76% of the nation wants [insert issue du jour here] ask yourself where did they get that number.
Meanwhile, remember that 68% of American citizens east of the Mississippi River, believe that Caller ID is the greatest technological achievement of the 21st century.
